BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[bayman]

CAPTAIN COOK incorrect as stated by BAYMAN as well
When did the VAN come over was it about 1636ish ?

don't know look it up

[silicone skyline]

I still really don't get this. I guess it makes up for the two peas joke hey Mal?

[mal]

1626
A guy called Cock landed on our shores but he is not the answer either.

It is reported that over 50 have landed in Australia b4 Capt James Cook did in 1770
So the answer is b4 1770

Once again the QUIZ
Who was the first to land in Australia?
Not including indigenous peoples

[magpie in the 80's]

i know the answer will be a joke since it is in here. but in reality:

1606
After leaving Banda on 18 November 1605, at about the end of March1606 VOC Captain Willem Jansz), Supercargo Jan Lodewijkszoon van Rosingeyn and their crew on board the Duyfken, chart about 300 km of the west coast of Cape York Peninsula in Queensland. First Europeans evidently known to have landed in Australia.

[Bob Loblaw]

1626
A guy called Cock landed on our shores but he is not the answer either.

It is reported that over 50 have landed in Australia b4 Capt James Cook did in 1770
So the answer is b4 1770

Once again the QUIZ
Who was the first to land in Australia?
Not including indigenous peoples

RATING 2-1 and ever decreasing.....

[mal]

i know the answer will be a joke since it is in here. but in reality:

1606
After leaving Banda on 18 November 1605, at about the end of March1606 VOC Captain Willem Jansz), Supercargo Jan Lodewijkszoon van Rosingeyn and their crew on board the Duyfken, chart about 300 km of the west coast of Cape York Peninsula in Queensland. First Europeans evidently known to have landed in Australia.

B4 him
There is a consenus of sorts that reports that in 1522 The Portugese were close to the first
Christova Da Menonca was floating around the South Of Timor
The report hazit that Mendonca cruised over to OZ
He left 6 people on OZ to fend
2 died
3 established camp
1 never came back
On returning to Lisbon, the Portys kept the discovery a secret
The Portys didnt want the Spanish to find out about Australia [possibly due to the riches]

So we have to go back even b4 1522 for the answer

The QUIZ again is

Whom was the first to land in Australia
Not including Indigenous peoples

[Booney]

Let me introduce you to the Quiz forum mal....

[panthergurl]

On 8 March 1421, the largest fleet the world had ever seen set sail from China. The ships, some nearly five hundred feet long, were under the command of Emperor Zhu Di’s loyal eunuch admirals. Their orders were ‘to proceed all the way to the end of the earth’. The voyage would last for two years and by the time the fleet returned, China was beginning its long, self-imposed isolation from the world it had so recently embraced. And so the great ships were left to rot, and the records of their journey destroyed.

And with them, the knowledge that the Chinese had circumnavigated the globe a century before Magellan, reached America seventy years before Columbus, and Australia three hundred and fifty years before Cook.

Visits to the south-western, eastern and northern coasts. To around Warrnambool (a wrecked junk). To the Perth area, about Darwin. Any DNA evidence provided by Aboriginal people from Darwin and Fraser Island, Broome, the Perth area, the Gunditjmara Aboriginals of Southern Victoria/South Australia will prove fascinating. There are claims that maps have been drawn depicting Australian river systems (e.g., the 1474 Map of Toscanelli), derived from Chinese information.

The Chinese mounted observation platforms west of the Blue Mountains, and at Penrith, Gympie, Atherton and along the northern coasts. Erected a stone building at Tin Can Bay, Gympie. The brumby horses of Fraser Island possibly originated in Tajikistan?

[Strawb]

How do you piss off a hitchhiker?
Pick them up and do a u-turn.

Why do Yanks hate playing hide and seek?
Cause no-one wants to look for them

[Strawb]

In a small town the local cop goes around doing his rounds and he sees the old bomb out the front of the pub and in this car are two blondes.
Well the cop goes up to the car and asks “are you two trying to steal this car?”
“No” the blondes replied “we brought this car”
“Well on your way, one of you two can drive can’t you?”
“We can’t drive” said the blondes.
“Then why did you buy this heap?” Ask the cop.
“Well” one of the blondes replies “We were told if we brought a second hand car we will be screwed and that’s what we are waiting for!”

[Strawb]

Did you hear about Michael Jackson and Elton John duet?

Their new song is called don’t let your son go down on me.

[Strawb]

A bloke is driving down the highway and sees a sign that says Sister’s of mercy house of prostitution 10Km’s. The bloke looks at the sign and thinks what a joke of a sign.
A few minutes later he sees another sign that says Sister’s of mercy house of prostitution 5Km’s. And the bloke thinks hmm this looks interesting.
He gets to the next exit and he sees a sign that says Sister’s of mercy house of prostitution this exit.
Curiosity gets the better of him so he drives up to the brothel and he walks in.
He sees the head nun and asks “Is this really a brothel?”
“Yes it is, and it is fifty dollars for a screw.” Replies the head nun.
The bloke puts the fifty on the counter and a nun leads him to a room which takes him outside to a sign that says. You have just been screwed by the Sister’s of Mercy have a nice day.

[Strawb]

A man walks into a pub and orders a double whiskey.
The barman notices he is a little depressed and asks “what’s wrong mate?” “I found my wife in bed with my best friend.” Came the reply.
“That’s Terrible” came the reply “So what did you do about it?”
“Well I went to the wife and said “It’s over pack your stuff and get out.” The bloke told the barman. “Well what did you say to your best mate?” “Bad dog.” Came the reply.

[mal]

On 8 March 1421, the largest fleet the world had ever seen set sail from China. The ships, some nearly five hundred feet long, were under the command of Emperor Zhu Di’s loyal eunuch admirals. Their orders were ‘to proceed all the way to the end of the earth’. The voyage would last for two years and by the time the fleet returned, China was beginning its long, self-imposed isolation from the world it had so recently embraced. And so the great ships were left to rot, and the records of their journey destroyed.

And with them, the knowledge that the Chinese had circumnavigated the globe a century before Magellan, reached America seventy years before Columbus, and Australia three hundred and fifty years before Cook.

Visits to the south-western, eastern and northern coasts. To around Warrnambool (a wrecked junk). To the Perth area, about Darwin. Any DNA evidence provided by Aboriginal people from Darwin and Fraser Island, Broome, the Perth area, the Gunditjmara Aboriginals of Southern Victoria/South Australia will prove fascinating. There are claims that maps have been drawn depicting Australian river systems (e.g., the 1474 Map of Toscanelli), derived from Chinese information.

The Chinese mounted observation platforms west of the Blue Mountains, and at Penrith, Gympie, Atherton and along the northern coasts. Erected a stone building at Tin Can Bay, Gympie. The brumby horses of Fraser Island possibly originated in Tajikistan?

1421 CHINESE
Not the correct answer
But nevertheless a very interesting post about the Chinese explorers.

QUIZ

Who wuz the first to land on Australia?
Not including Indigenous peoples

[mal]

In a small town the local cop goes around doing his rounds and he sees the old bomb out the front of the pub and in this car are two blondes.
Well the cop goes up to the car and asks “are you two trying to steal this car?”
“No” the blondes replied “we brought this car”
“Well on your way, one of you two can drive can’t you?”
“We can’t drive” said the blondes.
“Then why did you buy this heap?” Ask the cop.
“Well” one of the blondes replies “We were told if we brought a second hand car we will be screwed and that’s what we are waiting for!”

I like this one S07

[Drop Bear]

The Dingo (Canis lupus dingo) or Warrigal is a type of Australian canid, which was thought to be descended from the Iranian Wolf (Canis lupus pallipes).[3] DNA analysis has shown it to be more closely related to domestic dogs, suggesting that they were introduced from a small population of domesticated dogs, possibly at a single occasion during the Austronesian expansion into Island Southeast Asia.[4] It is commonly described as an Australian wild dog, but is not restricted to Australia, nor did it originate there. Modern dingoes are found throughout Southeast Asia, mostly in small pockets of remaining natural forest, and in mainland Australia, particularly in the north. They have features in common with both wolves and modern dogs, and are regarded as more or less unchanged descendants of an early ancestor of modern dogs. The name dingo comes from the language of the Eora Aboriginal people, who were the original inhabitants of the Sydney area.


Everyone else is posting pointless boring shit, so I thought I would have a turn.
How about some jokes!

[locky801]

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her

boyfriend buying her flowers.

The Redhead sighs and says: 'Oh crap, my boyfriend is

Buying me flowers again.'

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: 'You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?'

The redhead replies: 'I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.'

The blonde says: .....'Don't you have a vase?'

[mal]

Punk Rooster got on a train one day and sat next to an old codger.
Punks hair is a combination of red pink green and purple and was wearing feather earings.
Punk noticed the old fella looking at him.
" OLD MAN WHAT THE F..K ARE YOU LOOKING AT, AINT YOU EVER DUN ANYTHING CRAZY?"
The old man looked Punk in the eye and says:
" Yeah I was crazy once , I rooted a parrot, and I thought maybe you were my kid....

[Drop Bear]

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f*ck are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

[Baron Greenback]

The Dingo (Canis lupus dingo) or Warrigal is a type of Australian canid, which was thought to be descended from the Iranian Wolf (Canis lupus pallipes).[3] DNA analysis has shown it to be more closely related to domestic dogs, suggesting that they were introduced from a small population of domesticated dogs, possibly at a single occasion during the Austronesian expansion into Island Southeast Asia.[4] It is commonly described as an Australian wild dog, but is not restricted to Australia, nor did it originate there. Modern dingoes are found throughout Southeast Asia, mostly in small pockets of remaining natural forest, and in mainland Australia, particularly in the north. They have features in common with both wolves and modern dogs, and are regarded as more or less unchanged descendants of an early ancestor of modern dogs. The name dingo comes from the language of the Eora Aboriginal people, who were the original inhabitants of the Sydney area.


Everyone else is posting pointless boring s***t, so I thought I would have a turn.
How about some jokes!

Good call DB.