BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Strawb]

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.
The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things from a Do-It-Yourself shop.
A can of red paint, a can of blue paint... And a shovel.'
Paddy asked, 'And what do I do with these, doc?'
The doc replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.
If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw", you hit her with the shovel.'

[mal]

Today is the 67th anniversary of the suicide of Adolf Hitler
Hitler and his girlfriend Eva Braun suicided on 30/4/1945
Here is the series of events just prior to the deaths

Adolf and Eva were stranded in a bunker, the Russians in pursuit
Nowhere to go, no chance of escaping the Reds
Adolf tells Eva of his love for her
They cuddle
Eva whispers in his ear
"'Adolf , the end is near, can you make me feel like a woman one last time.?"'
Adolf draws back
Stands upright over Eva
Takes off his pants
And says
"' Iron these.""

[mighty_tiger_79]

Hitler i believe was 1935 time magazines man of the year

[Strawb]

Hitler i believe was 1935 time magazines man of the year

1938 he was

[RustyCage]

A man staying at a hotel removed a card offering sexual services from a nearby phone box. Back in his hotel room he rang the number and a woman with a silky soft voice asked if she could be of assistance.

"Yes" he said. "I'd like it in bondage gear, leather, PVC, whips, the lot. What do you think?"

The woman said, "That sounds really good and I'd like to oblige, but if you press 9 first you'll get an outside line."

[am Bays]

Today is the 67th anniversary of the suicide of Adolf Hitler
Hitler and his girlfriend Eva Braun suicided on 30/4/1945
Here is the series of events just prior to the deaths

Adolf and Eva were stranded in a bunker, the Russians in pursuit
Nowhere to go, no chance of escaping the Reds
Adolf tells Eva of his love for her
They cuddle
Eva whispers in his ear
"'Adolf , the end is near, can you make me feel like a woman one last time.?"'
Adolf draws back
Stands upright over Eva,undoes his fly, drops his pants and says
"' Iron these.""

Iron his two veg? Gee that's a bit kinky....

Glad you got the date right though

[mal]

Today is the 67th anniversary of the suicide of Adolf Hitler
Hitler and his girlfriend Eva Braun suicided on 30/4/1945
Here is the series of events just prior to the deaths

Adolf and Eva were stranded in a bunker, the Russians in pursuit
Nowhere to go, no chance of escaping the Reds
Adolf tells Eva of his love for her
They cuddle
Eva whispers in his ear
"'Adolf , the end is near, can you make me feel like a woman one last time.?"'
Adolf draws back
Stands upright over Eva,undoes his fly, drops his pants and says
"' Iron these.""

Iron his two veg? Gee that's a bit kinky....

Glad you got the date right though

That gag has been rejigged now
Reads better

Lets see If I get the next one right !

Ambays as a young lad was on the AFL recruiters list
He was definitely draft material in those days
Am Bays impressed with several stunning displays in the Junior Grades
An AFL scout Interviewed him one day
This question was asked :
"'Am Bays can you kick with both feet?""
Ambays gave an aggressive reply
"" No I cant you f...g idiot.""
The scout nervously asked why
A vociferous Am Bays replied
"" I cant kick with both feet you f...g idiot, I would be flat on my arse if I kicked with both feet at the same time ....

And err, Am Bays never played AFL football !!!

[CENTURION]

OK, here we go, a clean joke, aarrr, hmmm.....................................................................too hard

[OnSong]

One day, Melbourne recruited James Sellar.

[CENTURION]

One day, Melbourne recruited James Sellar.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

[OnSong]

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men.
Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money.'

The teacher, obviously shaken & concerned by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring,
and took little David aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?'

'No,' said David, 'He plays for Port, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.'

[mal]

This one from the Movie Hollow Man
Told by Kevin Bacon

Superman is flying over Metropolis as horny as hell and is checking out the roof tops and all of a sudden he sees Wonder Woman sunning herself
Wonder Woman is lying there buck naked and shes ready to be f...d
Superman says to himself oh my god I gotta get myself some of that Wonder pussy
Superman then realises he can fly down do a little fast pumping and be gone before she evens knows it because he is Superman right !
Heez faster than a speeding bullet
Superman swoops down he f...s her so quick she dosent even see him
Wonder Woman sits up and says ""What the f..k was that.?""
And the Invisible man says"" I dunno but my arsehole is killing me .""

[Strawb]

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor.
"Do you do custom work?" she asks the artist.
"Why of course!"
"Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my
right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left
thigh. And I want them both looking at my Privates......."
"No problem," says the artist. "Strip from the waist down
and get up on the table."
After two hours of hard work, the ...artist finishes. The woman sits
up and examines the tattoos.
"That doesn't look like them!" she complains loudly.
"Oh yes it does," the artist says indignantly, "and I can prove it."
With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street
he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.
"Well, what do you think?" the woman asks, spreading her legs apart.
"Do you know who these men are?"
The drunks studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says,
"I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the
middle is definitely Willie Nelson!...........

[overloaded]

what happend to the thread title...."BEST JOKES - Warning Content may offend"

[valleys07]

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.

L...ittle Mary was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.” "Very good, Mary" said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!" Then I would say, “It is dog shit. Wanna' buy a toothbrush?" "I used the Gillard approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth"

[mal]

Whats the capital of Greece ?
About 10 Euros

[locky801]

Trevor goes into Penrith Florist and says, "I would like to buy a bunch of flowers
for my girlfriend".

The florist looked at him and said, "Certainly Sir, what is it you're after?"

Trevor replies, "A root".

[locky801]

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies . To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"


About 90 students raise their hands.



"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"



About 40 students raise their hands.



"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"



About 15 students raise their hand.



"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"



Three students raise their hands.



"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"



Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.



The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."



The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"



Hamad replied, "Sh*t, from way back there I thought you said goats."

[valleys07]

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies . To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"


About 90 students raise their hands.



"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"



About 40 students raise their hands.



"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"



About 15 students raise their hand.



"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"



Three students raise their hands.



"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"



Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.



The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."



The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"



Hamad replied, "Sh*t, from way back there I thought you said goats."

[mal]

This guy walks up to the biggest fattest ugliest woman at a night club
He approached her at the bar and asked "'Have you gotta pen?""
She studiously checks out the guy, and rather excitedly asks "'Yes I do have a pen, why ?"'
The guy says "' Well, you better get back to it before the farmer discovers your missing"' ...