BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[OnSong]

Accusing people of being 'politically correct' is just too easy. If it's politically correct to think jokes about people dying aren't clever or funny, then I'm happy to be politically correct.

Good.

[redandblack]

If it makes you feel better to selectively quote, good.

If you want to censor me on this thread because it makes you feel uncomfortable about joking about children dying, that's up to you.

If you think it's funny to laugh at thousands of people dying, I think it says more about you than anything else, but nobody's stopping you.

[Punk Rooster]

I thought this topic was about posting jokes?
Back on topic please people.

[redandblack]

Good call, PR

[mal]

Three retired Vietnam veterans were belatedly called in for some financial compensation after the war
The 3 were asked to display thier multiple war injuries
The compensation was quoted as being 'measured' between injuries
The injuries in inches, $100 per inch was the compensation amount

Colonel Smith wa asked to go first
"" I suffered an injury to my knee and chest."'
He was measured at 2 foot 3 inches which was 15 inches, and recieved $1500

General Mclean was next
"" I suffered extensive injuries, I got hit in the ankle and head.""
he was measured at 6 foot and 1 inch and recieved $7300

Then it was Private Odaniels turn
"" I suffered the ignominity of an injury between my testicles and the tip of my penis.""
The assesor remarked "" Private, would you like to reconsider your claim, you will get very little compensation, you know you could fib ...""
"" Nope Im an honest man and thats my claim""
The Private was made to drop his strides for measurements
There were several gasps, as the Private had a penis and no testicles
"" My goodness Private, where are your balls ?"
"" In Vietnam, pay up ....

[redandblack]

Good one, mal, but Colonel Smith got short-changed

[Q.]

What's the difference between a racist and a porcupine?

With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.

[OnSong]

What's the difference between a racist and a porcupine?

With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.

No racist jokes please Q-man.

[Q.]

What's the difference between a racist and a porcupine?

With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.

No racist jokes please Q-man.

[Baron Greenback]

If it makes you feel better to selectively quote, good.

If you want to censor me on this thread because it makes you feel uncomfortable about joking about children dying, that's up to you.

If you think it's funny to laugh at thousands of people dying, I think it says more about you than anything else, but nobody's stopping you.

Just for the record, I think they're hilarious.
Keep em coming.

[locky801]

QUOTE FROM HAROLD I've often been asked,'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?' Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whisky into urine. I do it every day and I really enjoy it. \
Harold should be an inspiration to us all.

[Mr Max]

Just heard Jessica Watson's solo around the world record has been broken my some Japanese chick in a Toyota Corolla.



Japanese farmers reckon they're doing it tough? Bull5hit! I saw one farm on TV and the farmer had 3 huge boats and about 25 cars in his front yard!

[spell_check]

Just heard Jessica Watson's solo around the world record has been broken my some Japanese chick in a Toyota Corolla.

Toyota cars are well known for their reliability - this proves it.

[Media Park]

Then it was Private Odaniels turn
"" I suffered the ignominity of an injury between my testicles and the tip of my penis.""
There were several gasps, as the Private had a penis and no testicles
"" My goodness Private, where are your balls ?"
"" In Vietnam, pay up ....

Comedy gold MAL!

[fish]

Did you hear that Charlie Sheen got busted with a bag full of drugs?

Apparently it was enough for two and a half men!

[fish]

What do the Dalai Lama and Brendon Fevola have in common?

The both love t bet...

[Drop Bear]

Just heard Jessica Watson's solo around the world record has been broken my some Japanese chick in a Toyota Corolla.

Cracker

[am Bays]

A man applying for a job at a Mildura Lemon Orchard seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: Have you had
any actual experience in picking lemons?"

He replied: "I've been divorced three times, bought a Leyland P76, a Beta video player and took up both Telstra floats.

Then I voted for Kevin Rudd and Julia Gillard."How am I doing so far?"

[locky801]

Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
Dusting themselves off, the Nun and the
Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it's likely that we can survive more than a day or two..'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'



The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.



'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.......she consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's +#@=$. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my +&@@* in the right place, it can Give Life.'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the *+!= out of here!'

[OnSong]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'